Effin Girl Scouts
Thin Mint this!
So it’s that special time of year, which seems to be every month these days, when Girl Scouts of the USA teaches armies of little girls across our country valuable lessons and skills that will help them excel in their futures. It’s okay if you make the country more obese and diabetic than they already are as long as you collect the money before finishing the transaction, and look cute doing it. If you look truly cute enough people will give you money. If you cry people will give you anything you want. And if you truly want to excel in life, get your parents to do it for you.
Going door to door and selling cookies these days is almost as dangerous as trick-or-treating on Halloween. Setting up a table in front of a store and selling bad cookies to passersby, also dangerous, is possibly illegal without the proper licenses and permits. All so you can make money for some corporate baking consortium under the guise of teaching leadership, helping empower little girls, and making the world a better place.
A better place eh? I guess that truly is the idea behind the free market and consumerism. Consume, consume, consume, the more shit you own, the happier you’ll be. The more cookies you buy, the happier you’ll be. The more cookies you consume, the fatter you’ll be. The fatter you are, the happier you’ll be.
If being fat means being successful, then myself and many of my friends are very successful. But I’m trying to change that and be less successful as a consumer.
I’m really only touching on all of this because I think I see a solution to fixing our economy. And that’s to get children back in the workplace. Overturn child labor laws, and have children take positions in our sales force everywhere, instead of just for the benefit of Girl Scouts of the USA. Because really, it’s not physical labor, and who wouldn’t buy off them? I can see it now, day care sales training centers.
You don’t want to buy from a child? Do you have a problem with children? What sort of evil person are you that doesn’t like helping out children?
See, it could work. Look at this while you mull the idea over.
Do-Si-Do yourself
See, I knew you’d understand. You want to go out and spend all of your money on cookies now, don’t you? So why not, it’ll make America better a better place, and teach a little girl a lesson.
And who-the-fuck-ever is leaving all these open boxes of Girl Scout cookies everywhere in the office, you really need to stop. Sharing is anti-consumerism. If you share with me, I don’t need to go out and purchase for myself. And that’s bad for the economy and the armies of little girls scattered throughout our country.
