Unplug

Unplug.

Disoriented

I can’t seem to focus on anything anymore. I need to figure out a way to not only motivate myself but remember what I want to get done. Anymore, everything seems to be about work.

Thinking about it

I can only remember two times when my dad took a long vacation from work. One time was when we all went up to northern Ohio and the followed the shore of Lake Erie East until we got to Niagara Falls. That wasn’t the plan. I’m not really sure there was a plan for that trip, except that dad wanted to get the hell away from Indiana. So we drove and drove, my little brother and I sleeping in the shelled bed of the truck on a foam mattress, mom and dad taking turns sleeping/driving. Next thing I knew we were in Niagara Falls, Canada.

I remember we mostly wandered around looking for an affordable hotel. Eventually settling on a place that had a pool. Then we spent most of our time wandering around small shops as they were the only thing that didn’t have an admission charge. I got to see the falls up close, and was surprised by how close they let you walk to it, and how unprotected it seemed. As young as I was, it’d been no problem for me to jump the short railing and be over the falls in seconds.

The second vacation was when I was a little older. We once again went back up to Erie. Something about the size of that lake seemed to appeal to my dad. It was sort of like going to the ocean for us, since we were so landlocked in our little farming community. There must have been a sort of freedom to that. But on this trip, we had family who kept a boat up there, so we went out on Erie. I remember that even though my ability to swim wasn’t strong, I didn’t really seem bothered with no longer being able to see shore. Dad on the other hand was somewhat terrified. It’s probably the only time I can remember sensing him being afraid of anything. Anyway, he didn’t really go out with us much more after that. Meanwhile I went back out many times on that trip, and went back up there several times in later years.

So thinking about it all lately, I’m realizing that I don’t really take vacations. Anymore, when I’ve taken time off, it’s been to go weddings of friends, where I’m usually cast in some role, or heading back to the Midwest to visit family and friends around some holiday. I don’t really seem to take vacations much anymore. I think the last time I took a full week off it was to be in a wedding, and the time before that was to help someone move across country. Otherwise I take off a friday here or there, or wait until the industry shuts down for a week. During these times I run into people from other nations who think I work too much, as they regale me with stories of the weeks and months they’ve been off work so far on whatever trip they’re on.

This gets me thinking. Capitalism, you know “the American Way of life”, has left us without a Democracy. We now live to work, or are unemployed. Vacation time is frowned upon. Healthcare is so expensive that many times it only takes one illness to bankrupt someone for the rest of their life. Taking off time to even address health concerns or spend time with your family, or enjoy life, is all frowned upon. So we get sicker and sicker, yet keep working up to the day we die.

I watched as my dad died. He had a perfect attendance record at the company he worked for. Had almost 25 years in, something that’s unheard of–and I’m not even sure possible–for people coming up today. He collapsed one day at work and was rushed to the hospital, where he died a week later. My grandpa was told he had to retire as he was becoming too old to insure as a worker. So he retired and spent a little while playing golf and taking care of his property. Seemed mostly in good health, except that most of his family had moved away, or were dead at this point. And so one day he sat down on the couch and died.

We’ve become a capitalist controlled society that no longer enjoys life. We live for the sole purpose of work. Our purpose is to make a couple citizens enough wealth to last a millennium. We are the modern slave. We are expected to be machines. And we are machines in a time when everything is disposable. If the machine is damaged, throw it away, when we used to try to fix broken machines.

I’m not sure how long this model will be sustainable.

Odd

I don’t know why, but last night on the subway ride home, it seemed as though everything that I could possibly use to describe what I might see in Hollywood was all in the same car on the train. There were even tourists on the car who were noticeably freaking out. I related this to my buddy Vic who was, up to that point, engrossed in reading updates on his Droid. He looked around and I think he finally realized just how much of the Hollywood abnormality was riding the train with us.

I sort of thought that we’d had most of the demographic covered, that is, until I exited at my stop. There I saw an old queen with pink and white hair and a massive case of the shakes, pushing a grocery cart onto the train. He sat down next to Vic, so I stood outside until Vic saw me, just so I could give him a thumbs up and smile.

For some reason after that I felt good. I seemed to have a smile stuck on my face on the walk home. I guess I kept finding it funny. Oh well. Odd day.

Everything is coming up guns.

I’m not sure if they’re connected, but there seems to be a lot of gun play in the graffiti this week. One is obviously against violence. The other is possibly embracing it, but doubtful.